Sunday, May 2, 2010

Blue Funk Re-emerging

Good aftie guys. I had been sad these weekend. I don't know how and why it happened but it's maybe because of the atmosphere in our home in the province. It all started when my dad forbid me to drink with him along with older guys. He said, I shouldn't do it. I am already 19 and going on 20 this December. It really saddened me because for the past years I have been drinking with the older guys in the tennis court along with my dad. I have waited for so long to be blessed with freedom to do what adults can do. The adults in the tennis court gives me beer and so I drink on and on. I guess I wouldn't go with them anymore in the tennis court. I hate it when they forbid me on something that I have already been doing ever since I came into the legal age. Then came when my mom kept on asking for my grades last semester. She kept on bragging me about that thing. It really annoys me a lot. I guess I really had to start meditating again just like the old times. I fear that I lost my touch of concentrating to meditate for so long. I felt that I am unhealthy right now. I got no exercise, no gluttony control and no meditation, not to mention those annoying people around me that pisses me off. Even in our boarding house, my landlord and landlady frustrates me a lot. I found them greedy and corrupt. First of all, the boarding house is not that accommodating and yet the rent is high. Things are not complete not like the other boarding houses. We boarders can't even watch TV in their living room, we cannot cook food for ourselves that we have the hassle to buy for food outside the house, we don't have water, the place is not an ideal place to leave. First, it is infested with roaches and rats, the canals stink at night, neighbors are so noisy and the annoying anti-thief alarm that rings every time we go home past 10pm. The room is warm and hot and the bed is small. And even when it is not your time to pay your rent, they brag you about paying your rent. I hate that boarding house a lot. I wish I could find something nice and comfortable. I got no choice but to live in the place where my parents chose me to live. They pay for it. Even though they wouldn't said it but they don't want me to stay in a dorm that is comfortable. Everyday, I live like a rat, even live among them. When my brother goes to college, I speculated that they would pick a better place for him to live. It's said to think that I am always the sacrificial lamb and my brother always do have the benefits. I am not saying that I don't want him to live better but it is always unfair to me but I learned to live this kind of life. They would send you in an unknown battle field so that the next person who comes after you would already have known the battlefield and would later perform better for its future. Sacrifice, it's always been part of my life. Some are useful and some just went to waste. How I wish I was the younger brother but gotta face reality. Envy is always been a part of my life. Envy of not being heard despite the pain being experienced. Ended up just listening like a stupid homeless man being scolded for not finding a job to support himself. Envy of seeing my brother scooping up the freedom to do the things that our parents forbid me to do before. By looking at those things, I was hurt a lot but gotta move on. Thou shall not be stuck to the things that doesn't affect the future. Envy is bad but for once in a while you can't stop thinking about it. Can't even ask something straight to them. I gotta save to have that something. There is no problem in asking for something to them but in the time that I am in trouble, I ended up listening to them on counting all the things they have given unto me. I thought it was free but still you gotta pay for it. It would be better if you save money and spend it to the things that you want. I envy on my brother that can ask anything to them. Shoes are great examples. How I love my dad's shoes but it always ends up in my brother's possession. What kind of family I got? I thank God for having a complete family but... Having a team complete with players but still the team has no chemistry. The team will not work as it was to work. My parents always say that we have given everything to you our son but learn how to look at it in different angles. One painful experience is when I want to buy an ipod. I saved money but in the end, I came up short with the money so my mom promised me to add up for me to afford it. Then came the time when I got into trouble, she simply told me in front of my very eyes that "I bought you an ipod and yet, this is the thing you would replace me for it?". I was like stoned when I heard that and I was in tears. In my mind says that it's better to have nothing than to have something which got an exchange at the end. They even scolded me that they had sent me to an expensive school but I just gave them something unpleasant in return. I understand them but its painful to hear that kind of thing despite the things that you are doing to pass a subject.
The feeling of loneliness is always beside me. I am always positive in life but it always goes the other way. I felt like I was living alone. Even as I got home during the weekends, I still felt that felling of loneliness. As if I was lured form a smaller hole into a bigger hole. Smaller hole because I was alone in a city of the unknown and bigger because I was brought back to history of my painful past. Either way is not a good idea but its better to choose one than to be undecided and be in the middle of something where you would be surrounded by an active world. Up to now, I couldn't still find a perfect place for me to be happy. Good day.

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