Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Confidence: Nothing To Worry About

Good day guys. I admit it, this is the first time in my life which I haven't had the feeling of fear during semester breaks. Fear because I might have failing subject. Today, I had nothing in my mind except rest and joy. Usually at this time of year, my mind is very crowded with wild speculations. I was really surprised about this. I hope this would last until the summer class. I don't feel like I will fail this semester. I kept on thinking about passing and that's will be happening. I am so happy today that I couldn't express the feelings that I have in my article. Anyway, I still have one exam left in our networking class but I haven't felt any pressures that I should pass the exam. But I already promised myself that tomorrow, I am going to study for that exam and I will not fail that last exam. I feel like I got confidence pouring inside of me that's putting my morale up to the maximum level. Just before the finals of our semester, I kept on thinking about failing but it was the opposite of what I am feeling today. Anyway, this week is our defense week for our SAD(Systems and Analysis Design) subject. Our defense was last Monday, we haven't sleep the day before it I have only slept for 3 hours. During our defense, we were cornered by the panelists! The good thing was the head panelist gave us 2 hours to fix our bugs in our software. Luckily, the bugs were made up of wrong variable namings, variable not matching to other variables and etc. So, it was just a little revision that were given to us. In less than 2 hours, we finally managed to fix everything else and the panelists gave us the flag meaning we passed. There are other groups that also been in our situation. They were also given 2 hours to fix it up and they made it. But there are also groups who haven't passed. I thought that everyone will pass this time but my mistake, this time, the panelists are stricter than the last defense that we had. I was so sorry for my classmates who haven't made it. I mean, they did their best, had countless sleepless nights to make their software work but in the end it didn't help them pass the subject. I am so sorry for them, I am truly sorry. As I see those people who come out in the room teary eyed, I already have this notion in mind that I must comfort them for the outcome of their defense. Or help them forgot the thing that they had just faced. But it doesn't help, every negative words that the panelists would utter hurts the morale that you have stored inside of you. But yet, I also envy those people who made it without the panelists giving them 2 hours of fixation to their software. Anyway, to those people who are taking their vacations already, Have a good time. I will still be here writing my every article straight from the heart. Good day.

Friday, March 19, 2010

A Dying Hope

Good day! The exam week is already over and so as I was visualizing for a nice and sooth enrollment this summer without an troubles. For I have always been a burden not emotionally but financially, the drop of my parents' coins in Ateneo's cashiers would be hard to swallow as I see the cashier counting the money out. I could never be happier if I could pass this semester with flying colors, not worthy for a judgment whether I must stay in Ateneo or not. As I sweat down every night with a little twist of coke when I study, I still had some doubt in myself whether I could make it or not. I couldn't accept the fact that I would not be accepted ever again. I would have the greatest letdown in my life if it were to happen. I would never forgive myself if it were to happen. And I will be miserable in my whole life if it were to happen. My dream would be broken throughout my whole life. As the exam week comes to an end, it left me thinking about these things but because of my optimism, I was away about these things and I don't want to think about these things too. Right now, I was hoping, my last hope or my dying hope... I feared about my optimism would wind down and needs to be recharged or my optimism would opt out and it would be difficult to regain it. I couldn't imagine the circumstances right now. At the start of the year, I was thinking about redemption and I got what I want but does it had to end up like this? Will this redemption project just lost it's flare so suddenly? I have already given out my last knock-out punch yesterday in my Algorithm subject and so I was waiting for the decision whether I am worthy or not to stay. This is the reality, the life in the university, the bitter life that university students experience. Aside from the expensive tuition fees that you have to pay yearly, you also must maintain your grade to be in able to stay and not to disappoint your parents paying for your schooling. I experienced it all, I experienced it on hand, the bitterness of studying in a university. Why have to be so cruel? We payed and if we fail we will be kicked out of our division, the worst thing is the school will kick us out. We payed for education, we payed expensive fees and at the end we will just be kicked out? What are they thinking? We are not a public school that it would be okay for the school to kicked a student out obviously because we have to pay nothing to pay for our schooling there. In every angle you look, they are in power and so you are only obliged to follow the rules. Good day.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Frustration Ahead...

Good day! Frustration will always be a part of our lives. It is the one that pulls our morale downwards or maybe pull it upwards depending on the frustration that one has. As for me at this moment, the frustration that I have has grown drastically that made me reminisce and reflect about it. My optimism, I would say, has been affected too but not really that big. Because of my optimism I am still rock solid right now to my beliefs of redemption. Just later today I found out that the girl that I really like had some guy way back there to the place where she was born. It was not frustration but disappointment but the frustration there is that is why she is not replying on the chats that I try to initiate. Why can't she just tell me to stop. Another is our teacher in theology who really frustrated us all in our class. He had this thing in him that we really hate the most. Take note, he had sudden mood swings! Not fitted to a man I would say. Men don't have mood swings, once what will be their mood then that's what it is for the rest of the day except though if something terrible really happens. I often termed men who had mood swings as gays. I even have frustrations in my academic life as well. All those grades which I find myself hanging and to those grades that I think I don't deserve to have. I even promised to myself that once I failed to reach my grade goal this semester, I will never ever smile as long as I can't hit back. The promise seemed to be hard but it supposed to be that way because if I fail this time, I pretty sure that I would be kicked out of our division. The people in our division are literally strict when it comes to those kind of things. I just hoped that everything goes on well this time. I can't afford to make anymore mistakes that I have already done in the past. I have learned my lesson already but I think that it is already too late for me to fix everthing else. I wish I could go back in time and rearrange all the things that happened in my life. But I must face reality and reality is this. I can't do no more. All this things that I have learned and experienced in college was shared by me to my brother. I asked him about what course would he be taking and what college life is. I don't want my brother to be like me when he will be in college. I don't want him to experience that bitterness of my life. As an older brother it is my responsibility to take care and guide my younger brother towards a way where you really have a solid ground. I am not greedy not like other people who just let their young people do the things they want and let them experience what they have felt. I am very frustrated to those people who feel that they are something important. Making so much fuzz over little things that shouldn't be considered as a big one. Trying to get some attention. I hate those people who do that especially if they are not really deserving to get that kind of attention and yet there are people who go with then even they already knew about their kind of attitude. (sighs*) Well, what can we do about it? That is them. What I cared about right now is about the redemption thing that I am planning to have. But the boat is in the middle of the storm and I think that the boat cannot withstand the storm that is there so literally, I am sinking. When I reflect, I can't stop thinking about the past events that had happen in my life. All those painful events that happened. And I only wish that it would not happen again. Good day!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Happiness in the midst of pressure

Have you experienced being happy despite the pressures that you had been having? It is a wonderful feeling to have, it is like a refreshing sensation as if your problems are already solved but then you just set it aside just for the sake of relaxing from the heavy tasks that you are doing. All these pressures could blow your mind anytime soon, most especially if you see yourself not coping up with the pressures. Ever since I was in high schools I have already experienced heavy pressures not just in school but also at home. And before I went to college, I told myself that I could handle up the pressures that a college student could possibly have. But I was wrong, college pressures are way too futuristic than of high school pressures. You gotta give concern to your grades because the teacher won't just pull up your grade to make you pass. Once you get 74 and it will be it, the required grade for all the subjects for you not to retake it is 75. In high school, the teacher could just pull your grade up if you are 1 point or 2 points short to 75. In college, it is not. The teacher could even give you a grade of 60 FLAT. And the teacher would just smile at you and say 'you failed'. Because of these pressures we experience, we are unable to smile or even smile back to the people who smiled at us. Laugh is a sacred thing for students who have been pressured by academic factors.
I on the other hand, instead of going with the pressures, I was always thinking of an alternative to take out the pressures or just lessen up the load. I have several solutions to offer which I find very effective - for me. First solution is, when in pressure, at the midst of your heavy duty work. Stand up, limber up and sing your favorite song or just play the playlist that is in your computer or Ipod and sing with it. Second, stand up, limber up and play a disco ,music and dance with it up to the time that you are ready to get back to work. Next is stop from what you are doing and talk to whoever you wanted to talk to. Talk about things, any topic will do as long as it is not boring to discuss but one effective topic I would suggest - talk about the funniest things that had happen in your lives. Lastly, before you go to your work, be sure that you have a can of coke at your side. Everytime you limber up to stretch those muscles, have a sip with that ice cold coke by your side. And very lastly(sorry I still got one left), stand up and shout. What to shout? Shout all you want, anything will do. These five solutions are very effective in doing work in the midst of pressures. In that way, unconsciously you would feel like being energized to work again. And also in that way, you would find happiness in the work you are doing. Always put this in mind, always be happy in everything you do. Try to enjoy it in anyway you want. Good day!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Fighting Optimism

My posts have been a little bit delayed lately because of the final grading approaching. I gotta give a knockout punch to my subjects this finals in able for me to be safe this coming enrollment - the judgment for whether you could still stay in the division or not. Lately last month my optimism I had noticed that my optimism is slowly fading out. As if I was going to surrender and never fight anymore. I gone to lots of reminiscing and visualization. I have spent so much money for me to be able to relax myself and take away the pressures that is in me. I think that academic pressures caused all this depression that I have which also affects my optimism. That is the most important thing in the world for me - optimism. It's like an energy drink giving you the appetite to do work in the midst of tardiness. Giving you the adrenaline that you need in the time where your body seems to give up. Just like any other athletes who drink energy drink in the middle of the game to revitalize their energy and those students who drink energy drink in the middle of the night to make them stay awake studying for their incoming exams the next day. Optimism is like that, without it, me myself cannot withstand all these pressures that have been applied to me by various things. Life is an never ending narrow road with cliffs on it's side. One wrong step, you fall down.
In my case, I almost lost my optimism because of a single trip-off. One lesson learned, never give up in one hit. Always hit back...harder. As goes to one of my philosophies in life: Never surrender... tomorrow is another day. Good day

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Discernment of the weak

Discernment is about choosing among or between the best choices. Discernment is different from decision making. Decision making is about choosing the right choice or the right answer while discernment is about choosing among the right answers. Example after you graduate in college you choose among pursuing you chosen career or indulge into business, that is where discernment comes in. Because both of the choices are the right choices. Unlike in decision making, example you gonna choose whether you would finish college or not, that is where decision making takes place. This article is about the discernment of the weak. Its about choosing the better among the worst. I have that in mind right now. What if I am forced to shift? What most likely would happen? I am totally weighing up the worst possible situations I would be in. First possible situation is shifting into another course where I would have to fit in again with different students with different personalities but staying at the same school. Next is transferring into another school that means another atmosphere and another environment. And finally, my parents would get angry at me and will do things to me that they have never done before. When I was still in high school they were close into doing those worst things to me so it will be possible that this time they will really do it to me. And I would skip school and go to our farm and work there, growing plants and be with the nature. I could never imagine what would happen to me. All of those are the worst of their kinds. It is always possible that those things will happen.
Last night, I was thinking about those things because I was not satisfied with my grade in physics. Despite of all the hard work that I have done, I only got the grade of 81. I passed all of the quizzes except for one and especially the exam. My grade in my quiz that I have failed is really not that low. I don't want to experience any of those 'worst things to happen'. I was thinking about 'God why should I be in this kind of situation? Are you testing my faith on you?'. I have done the right things, I have done my best but in turn this would be the outcome. Why should it be like this? Is God planning to turn me into like this? Does God wanted my life to be like this? Many said that you create the outcome of your life but there are situations that it just happens without you doing something. The bitterness of life it is.
For many years, sorrow is in me. Anger is with me but not to my parents and anybody else but anger to myself. Hating myself for my unworthiness and my incapability. Wearing of a mask that covers it all is warm. The mask fools everyone I know. Nobody knows me well, even my friends and even my family. I always wear a mask that would not show the real me for the real me is ugly, full of sorrow and anger. Why is that I am such a weakling? I am no good to anything. All I want is redemption, redemption in the sense that bringing back the trust that my parents once gave me. I have no anger planted deep within inside me to my parents because I know that wherever angle I look, I will always be wrong. Nothing seems to go in the right direction for me. They always fall off the cliff. I follow a narrow path with cliff in its side. As I was in the middle of the path, I would just fall of the cliff. Why? Why? Sorrow is enough, pain is enough for me but they just keep on coming back to me. It has haunted me ever since I started to have problems. My parents are good to other people but strict when it comes to us with my brother and stricter when it comes to me. I don't have anything anymore and yet life wanted to suck all the little juice that is left even though I got nothing left anymore. Bringing me down to my knees. Is this what my life has to be? What a pain. Can't stop to envy other people who had no problems at all and nothing to worry at all. I got all the problems, my shoulders are always loaded with problems in which are heavy for me to carry.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Love and Misunderstanding In My Life: Solutions To Misunderstanding

Good day! Have you ever experienced being misunderstood by the people around you? Have you ever tried explaining to them but they were unable to get the message right? Or You explained to them but you are unable to use the right words? Or simply You are tired of explaining to them because you already knew what would be the outcome of the conversation? Having these experience is difficult to bear most especially if the people that misunderstood you the most are the ones that you loved the most. This is one painful thing in life that we found confusing to answer. Why is it that they misunderstood me? First theory is the pride that they had. They don't want to hurt their pride just because they think they are right at the very beginning. Example of which is you try to explain to your parents why you had failed this particular subject. You failed because the teacher is a student hater. We couldn't avoid this kind of situations, there are teachers who gave their students a suffering of a lifetime. When you tired to explain this to them they would say 'You just didn't give you very best effort to pass the subject'. Then you simply reasoned out that 'less than half of the class has passed this subject' then they would say 'then you would like to count yourself among those who didn't pass?, don't say such a thing! you must always put in mind that you must be one of those who passed the subject!'. The question is, can you answer back? Most probably no but the most possible answer of you is 'but the teacher is just so cruel, she is not like any other teachers. look at some of my subjects, I passed them all with flying colors except for this one. It just mean that I am not the problem but the teacher itself. And why do half of my class failed? Even those who are smarter than me are just about to reach the passing grade'. Then they would say 'Don't answer back, it is your obligation as a student to give your very best in your studies. We paid for your college fees and this will be what we are receiving in return?'. I always experience this on hand everytime my mom sees my grade goes under the border. Everytime I experience this, I would just shut up and most probably cry in my seat. Why is it that It has to be like this? Can't they just admit that the teacher is just too cruel? or simply bad. The worst part is they always see themselves right. That is one thing about misunderstanding, misunderstanding is about the inability of one to look at the certain situation in a different point of view. Misunderstanding starts if one only looks and decides depending on what he/she sees from her point of view. If seeing and deciding on a certain situation always put yourself in a mood that you are open to listen to different opinions in a different perspective. Or just simply lower down your pride and try to hear other people's opinions. Especially to those who experience it first hand.
There are many consequences once you let yourself put on top in every situation. Misunderstanding has a lot of effects, maybe you can't see it on you but you can see it on the other people. The most dangerous thing is if having a misunderstanding with someone who bottles up emotions. Lower your pride a bit and surely you will have a nice conversation. The thing is, when this happens all the time everytime there is a conversation, the people whom you misunderstood would be negative to you. As for me, I got used to being misunderstood by the fact that my parents always listens to themselves. My dad is different, he looks at the situation and react but there are certain situations that he is unable to do that. I didn't plant any anger against my parents because I love them. I just try to avoid conversations and when there is a potential misunderstanding coming, I would just shut up and listen to them. I couldn't change the way they are thinking anymore but I will just adapt on what they are. Anyway, they are my parents and I don't have the right to raise a voice on them. It is just when it comes to family, moms are the ones who can understand their children the most but in my situation she is the one who could hardly understand and cannot swallow her pride that easily. As long as she thinks she is right and then that would be it. During my high school days, I became rebellious because of their misunderstanding. I just starting to feel that I don't have any rooms when we are starting to have a conversation. As what my dad said to me 'You Are Just My Son, You Don't Have The Right To Talk'. That was really painful for me but in turn I swallowed my pride and just blame everything on me.
Painful as it is but there would be no other choices left but to hit the deck and swallow your pride. As I matured and went to college, more and more of that came into me. But I got nothing to do anymore, the more I talk, the angrier they would be so shutting up is my only option. And just let them win, I even promised to myself that someday if I am going to have a family, I would not misunderstand my children so they would not grow up like me. I grew up under the shadows of my parents. They are achievers, while I am not. They always told me to blame myself for everything wrong that has happened to me when it should not be. There are certain situations that you couldn't blame yourself for letting it happen.I even found myself in the middle of envy everytime when I see my brother being understood by them. I sometimes thought that I wish I could be the younger one. My brother is more free than me. I can't blame them for what they are but just accept them for what they are. Love is always there everytime I started to hate them. I could never do that though some teenagers do that but I won't. From the painful experiences that I have, I still have the appetite to love them back. Most especially in the case of my mother who misunderstands me a lot. I just realized that anger would just consume the person in you and anger destroys you yourself. Not just yourself but also the people around you, it affects everything. One important lesson I learned is that if misunderstood then just shut up and listen. If you are annoyed then release it somewhere else. One effective anger removal is talking to yourself. Talk to yourself as if they are facing you and tell them what you wanted them to hear from you - supposedly. After that, you would feel the relief you had. Then move on from that. Don't bring it back, it is already over. And don't ever opening it back or else the hole would just get deeper. Hope this could help yourselves. Good day.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Vocation: A calling

Good day guys. This morning, we talked about vocation in our theology class. I find it interesting to be talked about so here I am, talking about vocation itself. As what said in the dictionary, vocation is about a feeling of choosing a particular career. What I have in my mind is that vocation is making a positive attitude towards a particular career. It is about choosing a certain path in life that some have no solid grounds to step on. Meaning we are not so sure about the path we are choosing to if it would lead us to the right destination safely. Faith and Belief in yourself and God is one important thing in vocation. It doesn't mean that you are unworthy you don't have any vocations. Vocation too can be termed as a mission in life. A fulfillment of a mission that would make us be a better person someday.
To make it simple, vocation is like, 'What would I do with my life?'. We kept on searching for answers. The more we search about it, the more we are lost. Answers can be found along the way. New missions can also be found along the way. Only you yourself can identify which one is it. And you are also the only that can gain benefit to it. Vocation for some is a calling from God. Actually, there are a lot of meaning about vocation but let's put it this way. Vocation came fro the Latin word 'Vocare' it means to be called. In short, vocation is about the calling of yourself to a mission. Its either a calling from God or a calling from yourself that you need to mature. Many people found themselves unworthy and thought that they have no vocations just because they are unworthy or useless. No, each one of us has his/her vocation. We got different vocations in life and so as our personalities. It is up to us on how we answer our vocations in life.
To generalize everything, vocation is a mission in life that requires us to step in a ground that is not solid enough for us to step in. And it requires us faith and belief to yourself and to God to fulfill this mission. Good day.

Diary: day 13: The end is near

Good day guys! I am really sorry for the delay of my diary entry. The finals is approaching as fast as I expected. The midterms is a successful campaign, I have managed to hit back behind the painful defeat I have during the prelims. Our defense for our SAD will be next week. We are approaching the final three weeks of our classes. I am getting tensed, this is the time that I would throw my knock out punch to all my subjects, especially the major ones. Anyway, this morning, we got a group quiz on our physics subject and it turned out pretty well. Although some of the items were wrong but majority of it were sure. I was just wondering or I can't stop wondering why in these final days, we got lots of activities and quizzes. Is it that we should focus for our final exam because it would be our last shot to pull up our grades? My theory is that they are using the quiz to pull up or grades but the quizzes are terrible difficult. The more quiz we have, the more it would pull down our grades. I was focusing in my physics subject because I was planning that this subject will have to pull up my average grade for my major subjects. This week would be a busy one for me, I have to work for our SAD software. I am getting tensed as day finishes one by one. I am still having a problem with my java subject. I hope I could pass and the grade would not be so bad. I mean, my midterm exam for that subject resulted into a good one. I was just tensed about it, I just don't know why but I just feel tensed. But at the end, I am very optimistic of me reaching the cut-off grade of 82. I have my goal set that I would reach the grade of 85, sounds impossible but I still have this last shot - the finals. I like to hit back really hard in the finals. I feel like I am playing in an underdog team in the NBA Finals but everything is possible, what do you know, I could reach the grade of 85 and managed to escape the wrath of failure. If I pass this time and this would be my second time cheating failure. It should be death but its the same thing. Right after our physics subject, I worked in my program in java that ended up being copied by my friends. It is okay for me if they would just get an idea out of it but coping it is another thing. I really hate it if they don't edit it. But I would just stay in the positive side. I can do it! I will do it! And after working, I waited for my next class then our teacher didn't show up. What a waste of time, I should have went home and took a nap and get back to work. Or just work at home for my java program assignment. That would be all guys, wish me all the luck. Good day and God Bless.

Your Failures Do Not Define You

Good day everyone! Everybody in this whole world experiences failure. Failure will always be a part of our lives. Even though how successful we are in our lives, we always experience failure. Failures molds not only our future but also our personality. In failures we learn so many things. There are failures that are hard to swallow and there are failures which we can carry on like nothing happens. But failures, once experienced, is always demoralizing. Demoralizing in the thought that we are bad or we are just incapable of something. Many people judge individuals who had failure in everything. Just because you failed it doesn't mean you are no good. The question is why do other people commit failures less than other people? Luck? No. Luck is not a basis of your achievements, luck are opportunities that suddenly shows up in the middle of the storm. Actually, each one of us is lucky its just that we are unable to take the opportunity behind it or we are unable to see the opportunity that lies behind.
I had experienced failure ever since I was born. My life is full of failures. In everything I do, I always commit failure. Especially in my college life, its always crowded with it. Most of it are demoralizing and painful. One lesson I learned behind this failures is that you must always stand up in each failure you have, even though how demoralizing it is. Just stand up and hit back. There is nothing we can do about it just stand up and learn from it like riding a bike. Many people over the years judged me of what I am. Many people doubted me of my capabilities. One painful things is that even your family members would doubt you on your capabilities. I have experienced it all, demoralizing or not, I would just stand up and fight back. One secret is when you fail on one thing, don't tell yourself that you are incapable of doing it or you are just stupid. Instead, ask yourself, 'what can I do with this? or what should I do?' at the long run, you'll never notice that you are fighting back and really hitting it hard. I was born like this, maybe its my curse but the thing that I would like to boast is my fighting spirit. I failed many times already but I just don't know how to give up until I have proven myself that I can't do it. Many people say that I was born a failure, yes I am, but don't tell me that I would just give up. Even though with my parents doubting me, I still continue to fight. Not for redemption or proving them wrong but for my learning curve itself. I always have this belief that people who commit failures more often are way better than those who experience them less. Better in the way that you have a more improved personality than they are. Better in the way that you could easily stand up even though how demoralizing it was. I have listened and talked to people who experience a demoralizing failure for the first time in their lives. One thing common about them is they don't know where to start. My advice is, stand up where you are and start there. Correct your own mistakes, learn form them. Some even have traumas about it but I don't have any anymore. It takes for one to lose before experiencing winning. When I was a kid, I got trauma about it but in the long run, I find it challenging. Its like challenging my personality prowess. Because of that, I am starting to love challenges, not to the point that I am searching for one but to the point that I am ready to face it.
I would like to share this thing because people nowadays especially teenagers, when experiencing demoralizing failures, just gives up on it. I would always admit that I was born a looser but I will give you a hell of a fight. As a guy who experiences failure more often, I am very open to those people who seeks advice. I am not the type of person who leaves anybody behind. I will help you as long as I can. My looks might tell you that I am not serious but looks can fool people. Giving up leads you to nowhere and giving up makes you a complete failure. Up to now, many people doubted me. Blessed are those who trust me and believes that I can do it but the only people who could believe are those people like me - a failure in life. I am glad that I was a failure, I am happy with it. When I experience a demoralizing failure I just close my eyes, concentrate or meditate, when I am ready then I would tell myself, hit back as hard as you can. Your Failures Will Never Define The Person You Are dude. Don't show them that you are weak on the inside, show them that you are a warrior. As for me, attitude will always be an important factor in life - The warrior/fighter attitude.
To generalize everything, once you experience a demoralizing failure, just close your eyes, concentrate, and tell yourself to hit back, you can do it. Just count this as a lesson learned and stand up from where you are and start there. I hope this could help you guys when experiencing failure. Good day.