Thursday, January 28, 2010

Diary: Day 2 - Lonliness

Another day in my little diary it is. LOL! This day was pretty amazing. First our teacher didn't give us a lecture session about the boring topic of binary trees(continued) instead, he gave us an assignment. Next, I just realized that I don't have a class in the afternoon which gave me time to go to the mall. And finally I also realized that I still have plenty of money left in my wallet to buy me some junk foods and help myself out. Lastly, to be able to write an article in my blog. These days are really tiring, not to mention the weather. I just remembered that the Manny Pacquiao - Floyd Mayweather fight will not be happening anymore. How I wish it would but both camps(I think so) withdrew. Not to mention that I am a really big Pacquiao fan. LOL! Anyways, let us continue with the diary. LMAO. I am slowly loving this stuff. I just say the things that I did throughout the day then all of the sudden these things like the Pacquiao thing pops up in my head.
The elections are already getting near here in the Philippines and so as my grades are not improving. I am in my final probation already and I am scared that I could be forced to shift. Still I am very optimistic about staying in my course, finish it and prove those who have wronged me that I could do it. Over the years, some of my family members doubted on the skills that I could do. As it turns out to be, I also doubted my skills. Until such then I have read about the Secret by Rhonda Byrnes. I so love the book. It makes me feel like I am useful at all. After I have read the book, my family hasn't changed even so I have saved myself last semester from being kicked out from my course. Still they kept on asking me as to whether I could really make it and it makes me nervous. Why are there so many people keep on doubting me. You know what I mean. Am i really that useless? I never shared this problem to other people even so to my friends for they cannot understand. There was one time that I shared this problem to one of my friends in the coffee shop but it only turned out that he just looked at me in the eye(it means he doesn't get it at all). And even to some of my friends and their reaction was... huuuuhhh? what do you mean? And so I decided that not to share this anymore to anybody. Just because I am known to be a funny, annoying and energetic person, that doesn't mean that they don't have to listen to my problems anymore. Even to those people who have shared their problems with me is not interested to listen my side of the story. Some people just doesn't know how to give back. They just wanted to ask, ask and ask. I cannot blame them anyway, it's because that's what they are. I just share all this sad moments here in this very blog and wished that somebody would read this. I wrote a book or it's like a novel titled the sewer rat. It symbolizes me. I really don't know how to express my feelings to others even my optimism is already fading out but I still fight for it, no matter what happens.
Even in doubt, I still continued on what I started. I think my mother has still that anger she has on me, my father still has that doubt that I could make it. And my only brother that doesn't care on what is happening around. Every time a conflict appears regarding about my grades I will be left alone. What a life. Still I kept on fighting that I could prove my parents wrong. And yet I am still in the middle of their colliding eyebrows. How I wish I could be just like my brother, having a carefree life and enjoying his life. What annoys me about him is that he has a carefree life and yet he acts like an emo that he thinks our parents doesn't care for him. I really wish I could punch him so hard that the pain could bring him back to reality. Maybe some people who would read this blog especially my friends would just laugh at me once they have read this but I don't care. I don't want to bottle up my emotions. Some of my friends are really annoying especially my Chinese best friend but I can't blame him for being like that. He feels like he knows everything. He says it is based on his opinions but keeps on blocking my opinions like he wants to surface out his opinion above all. Well, I would just shut up and listen and my thought would say okay, he doesn't understand. What a life, I feel like I am nothing. Friends of mine think that they are superior and had their own world, family members who doubted me and an empty love life.
I really like this girl that I knew just a year ago. I try all my might to be noticed but I think it made her angry perhaps. I just wanted to know her but she doesn't want to know me. What am I gonna do? What a girl she is, I mean, she is attractive. I like her.
Nothingness is the game here. Bad thing about it is I don't know how to play the game. I don't know how to play one-on-one with life. How can I dance with the beat if the beat is too fast for me to handle. Still, I am optimistic that I could change this around. Even my googleadsense is busted. My account is deactivated due to illegal click activities. How I wish I could be re appealed. (to be continued.....).

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