Thursday, March 4, 2010

Discernment of the weak

Discernment is about choosing among or between the best choices. Discernment is different from decision making. Decision making is about choosing the right choice or the right answer while discernment is about choosing among the right answers. Example after you graduate in college you choose among pursuing you chosen career or indulge into business, that is where discernment comes in. Because both of the choices are the right choices. Unlike in decision making, example you gonna choose whether you would finish college or not, that is where decision making takes place. This article is about the discernment of the weak. Its about choosing the better among the worst. I have that in mind right now. What if I am forced to shift? What most likely would happen? I am totally weighing up the worst possible situations I would be in. First possible situation is shifting into another course where I would have to fit in again with different students with different personalities but staying at the same school. Next is transferring into another school that means another atmosphere and another environment. And finally, my parents would get angry at me and will do things to me that they have never done before. When I was still in high school they were close into doing those worst things to me so it will be possible that this time they will really do it to me. And I would skip school and go to our farm and work there, growing plants and be with the nature. I could never imagine what would happen to me. All of those are the worst of their kinds. It is always possible that those things will happen.
Last night, I was thinking about those things because I was not satisfied with my grade in physics. Despite of all the hard work that I have done, I only got the grade of 81. I passed all of the quizzes except for one and especially the exam. My grade in my quiz that I have failed is really not that low. I don't want to experience any of those 'worst things to happen'. I was thinking about 'God why should I be in this kind of situation? Are you testing my faith on you?'. I have done the right things, I have done my best but in turn this would be the outcome. Why should it be like this? Is God planning to turn me into like this? Does God wanted my life to be like this? Many said that you create the outcome of your life but there are situations that it just happens without you doing something. The bitterness of life it is.
For many years, sorrow is in me. Anger is with me but not to my parents and anybody else but anger to myself. Hating myself for my unworthiness and my incapability. Wearing of a mask that covers it all is warm. The mask fools everyone I know. Nobody knows me well, even my friends and even my family. I always wear a mask that would not show the real me for the real me is ugly, full of sorrow and anger. Why is that I am such a weakling? I am no good to anything. All I want is redemption, redemption in the sense that bringing back the trust that my parents once gave me. I have no anger planted deep within inside me to my parents because I know that wherever angle I look, I will always be wrong. Nothing seems to go in the right direction for me. They always fall off the cliff. I follow a narrow path with cliff in its side. As I was in the middle of the path, I would just fall of the cliff. Why? Why? Sorrow is enough, pain is enough for me but they just keep on coming back to me. It has haunted me ever since I started to have problems. My parents are good to other people but strict when it comes to us with my brother and stricter when it comes to me. I don't have anything anymore and yet life wanted to suck all the little juice that is left even though I got nothing left anymore. Bringing me down to my knees. Is this what my life has to be? What a pain. Can't stop to envy other people who had no problems at all and nothing to worry at all. I got all the problems, my shoulders are always loaded with problems in which are heavy for me to carry.

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