Diary: day 12: Bad memories

Good day guys. I was having my siesta hour this afternoon. I went home in the province over the weekend so I got a lot of fresh air. The negative thing if I go home is that all these bad memories comes back to life. It bothers me to the extent that I sometimes lost my mood in doing things. Like this afternoon, I always had this habit of taking a siesta. Suddenly all these bad memories went back to life as if they were true. What a terrible nightmare. The worst among those were the time when I failed a subject. I feared that I would fail again this time. I couldn't afford to do so for I would be forced to shift it I permit it to happen. If something like that would happen then I will not forgive myself. I could imagine my dad's glaring eyes, my mom's loud voice as if it were to kill me. I am afraid for I don't fight back. I don't talk back. I just hold back myself and let them do everything else. I don't know where to go after this. I don't see my future anymore unlike the past years where I found myself in the midst of achievements. I was so scared that the worst would happen. I couldn't blame anybody else except for myself. Where am I going to go if it would happen. What would be my future look like. All of my dreams that I have chased would just transform into dust. It would be a sad reality for me.
Starting all over again would only be the solution. I would like to do it but I don't feel like doing such because its been a long way then. If it would happen I would be the biggest looser that I've known. I will never forgive myself. My family would never forgive me as well. What would be my future? Where would I end up after that? Would be my friends be there to support me? The friends that I've known to be true. So much for that. I'll just hope that the worst would not happen. I would never let it happen.